Fishing for feelings

I've been doing Bikram yoga for little over a year now. Before I started, I had never practiced anything in any shape or form and certainly not yoga. I was, to say the least, sceptic about it.
Now, a year later I am not sceptical to why people love doing Bikram yoga. I fully understand the benefits it has on the practicians. Not just the physical stuff like straightening your back out or helping your digestive system, or whatever other reasons one might have for doing bikram. To me it has most of all been a way to take control of my own mind, to try to be more present and not always live in yeaterday or tomorrow. It is damn hard to do it and I still struggle with it every single class I take and I have a looong way still to go, but I have taken some gigantic steps in the right direction for sure.
I am a musician. I am a person who is always searching for something. I don't believe in the 9 to 5 life, I've always had the feeling that there has to be something else out there than just work and "do right" for yourself - that whole working class hero thing, building a family, settle down and be happy with whatever you've got. I have a great admiration for anyone who can cope with the everyday life and be happy with it - a week or two of vacation every year, nice dinner on Sunday, a walk in the park with the wife and kids...NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT, it just doesn't do the trick for me. Having said that, I still must admit I'm not sure what else there is out there to find that would make me truly and deeply happy.
I've been calling myself a musician for about ten years now. I started writing songs when I was unemployed and really bored and alone. My mum committed suicide after a ten year long depression and that gave me an enormous amount of input to write songs. I took all that frustration and sadness that I had in me and converted it into songs that were really kind of too personal to present to other people, but I didn't care. I did it for me and for her and I didn't reflect upon the fact that other people would actually read my lyrics. But they did as I released records with my band, and I found that there are so many people out there with similar backgrounds as myself. Comforting, sure, but pretty depressing at the same time that so many people feel so bad in their everyday life. I guess it goes to show that I'm not all alone thinking the way I do.
I try to take pride in what I do, and I am honestly really very proud of the things I have accomplished in my life and "carreer", but I still have that nagging feeling somewhere deep inside that just won't let me rest or feel completely calm. I'm always searching and running after something and it is so hard to let go.
That's where bikram yoga has actually helped me a lot, even though I struggle in my head against the fact that it does make me feel good.
It does clear my mind a bit
It does help me not to worry about things when I'm doing the poses or when I am lying down in savasana.
But if I know that it helps me, why the hell do I still struggle so much? I am really split up in half with this. It's like I can't fully focus on two things at the same time.
Am I still as good a musician if I sink deeper into the yoga or will one thing wipe out the other?
Can I still make as good music if all the sudden that storm inside me would calm down?
I wonder.
The best songs I have written, were definately written in a state of chaos and sadness and frustration or whatever other dramatical mood one could fall into in life. Can I still grab those feelings if I turn into a calmer person? Not that I am a person that is depressed or in any other way a big chaos kind of type, I'd like to see myself as a normal person. I have a job that I go to so that I can pay my bills, I love to laugh at silly things and I enjoy a beer or two sometimes without going all crazy screaming at people, crying and cutting myself...I'm just a regular guy ( call me Joe the plumber), who tend to think a little too much at times.

I am balancing on a knives edge all the time, trying to feel content with the situation I am in, but for the past two years I find myself more and more often being far from content. I would like to let go and go deeper into the yogapractise sometimes and at the same time I don't really feel like I belong in that world at all. I mean, I used to tour a lot with my band and I so much miss the feeling of packing the gear into the minivan and hit the road. I totally love the feeling if being on the road, seeing citys pass by outside the car window, driving through cities and villages - hell I even enjoy a bratwurst at a crappy Autobahn gas station. I absolutely love arriving to a smoky worn down club in a city where I have never been before, unoading the gear and get it up on stage, do the soundcheck and enjoy a beer, doing the show and just watch peoples reactions to the songs. I love staying at hotels (I'm not as fond of sleeping an squathouses on moldy madrasses...) and I love having breakfast in a new city, watching people pass by outside. All that I love and all that I don't get to do anymore. Instead I do yoga. Sometimes that helps and sometimes it just reminds me of the things I haven't got, and that's where all the hard work begins. I need to remind myself that just because I don't have it now, it doesn't mean I will never have it again. I have to remind myself not to grow bitter and sad, 'cos that's just not who I really am.

So, I do bikramyoga. Some days it's just really fun and it makes me feel good about myself, and other days it just pisses me off tring to get in to the camel pose or tulladandasana, head to knee, rabbit or whatever pose...I just get mad at the pose and at myself. And I don't want to be that way. I don't want to be a quitter - a "giver upper" like I know I am sometimes.

I started this blog to write about my practice to see if it could help me find the joy in doing yoga again. I do have classes on occasion that make me feel good about myself, but most of the time I am left blank and indifferent and I hate that feeling of not feeling anything. I need my feelings and I tend to go fishing for them to see if they are down there somewhere.