A Bikram Addiction

Hello darkness, my old friend... you make me feel like I'm drowning..
oh, the darkness in Sweden in the winter...
I go to work - it's dark
I sort the mail and then I am lucky enough to get a few hours of daylight as I'm on the route. Then, if I'm lucky, it's still light when I go home around four, four thirty. Then of course - darkness all around until next day when I go out on the route. I long for a life with a lot more sunlight in it. That's why where working on moving to Austin, Texas. I've been there twice with my wife since she's got family there and both times I've felt so much happier and easy going, much because of the humid and warm climat, but maybe also just by being far away from the every day life of work and duties. I was born on Dec 17 and when I was a kid I loved the winter and the darkness and the snow, yes we had a lot of snow when I grew up. We don't have that anymore, I think the climate is all fucked up. In Malmö where I live, winter mostly consist of darkness, wind and rain from November until March/April when things start brighten up a bit again. I used to love the winter, but since a few years back I just feel trapped and sad because of it. Not depressed, just indifferent. And that scares me more than being really sad.

I just had a brief look around the blogger world. I just clicked on one of the bands that I have listed on my profile and a long list of other bloggers with the same taste in music came up. Isn't that really pretty cool when you think about it? I've never thought about the chances of making internet friends before - but man if one wants to find friends with a similar taste in music, books or art or whatever - there sure are a million people out there to start talking to. Weird.

Anyway. Yesterday's class was pretty lousy most of the time. I gave up, felt totally worthless for long periods, but I also managed to push myself in a few poses which was good. That's my biggest problem - I can't find that extra little energy to push myself through certain poses. One of the poses I struggle the most with is half locust. That bastard of a pose does not work for me. I have tried to visualize myself doing it, going up all the way, and in my head it's always very easy to go up into the full expression of the pose. In real life it's another story. As I was laying there yesterday evening trying, trying trying to find a way to just lift up a little more than the few centimeters I usually manage - the guy lying in front of me all the sudden go up all the way into the extended, full version of the pose and the teacher stops the class and ask everybody to take a look at him doing it again. So he does and it looks good and I am happy for him 'cos he's a nice guy and I see him struggle a lot with many poses that I manage pretty easy.
Still, right there and then, it was just a disasterous blow to my self- esteem and I felt envy instead of happiness for him. Watching him so easily go up while I lay there like a fish on land, like a jumping jack....oh man...not good.
I am a bad person for having those feelings. At least I admit it, right ? ;-=

Oh, shit...next time I'll do better. That's the weirdest thing of it all when it comes to this practice: no matter how much I feel I want to leave the room and the studio and never come back again, while in class - I still return time after time for more self torture. I felt pretty sad and down when I came home last night, but now I feel like going back again. I am building up an addiction.
A Bikram addiction.

Sunday Dec 7

Last nights class started out boooring! Already in the first breathing exercise I felt bored and kind of angry. One of our teachers - she's great otherwise and I like her classes most of the time - tend to keep the breathing in and out so slow and long, it seems like it's never going to end. Sometimes that's ok, but other times - like yesterday- it just makes me frustrated and I lose focus thinking the class is going to last forever and ever...Things improved as we went along though and by the end I felt like I had a lot of energy left. Maybe it was the electrolytes. Big difference from Saturday's class anyway, where I thought I would collapse totally.
Practicing has cured me from that cold that was sneaking up on me, I sweated it out on the mat and now I feel ok again!

The no 1 pose that I hate: Lying down bow. I Just Don't Get It! Sure I can lie on my belly and grab my feet and kick, no problem - it's just that I can not get my legs to lift off of the mat when I kick. Nine times out of ten I am just lying there, holding my ankles. Got to find a way into it. Stupid Bow!

It's a weird thing that I am actually writing about yoga practice. I'm not in to the whole yoga world and I am not interested in it at all. Practicing is all ego for me, it's all about me feeling good about doing good things for my body and my mind. Is that ok?