Money, money, money...

For the past couple of weeks, I've felt like doing more yoga everytime I've come out from the yoga room. Even after classes where I've been lying down for long periods, I've felt the urge to go back into the room and do another 90 minutes. Since I can only practice in the evening during the week, the oportunity hasn't really come up. So last Sunday I decided to go with the flow and obey my body and take two classes in a row. I did, and it was the best two classes I've had in two or three months. Finally I was able to let go of my expectations and disconnect my brain from my practice.
I find it very hard to take a step back and not push myself, to allow myself to do the poses without burning all the rubber in the first 20 minutes - but last Sunday it worked perfectly. I started the first class thinking " shit - I better take it easy, or I will never be able to pull of two classes in a row.."
So I started out a little more relaxed then what I usually do, and from pose 1 all up to the final breathing, I felt strong and flexible and when the class was over I felt really happy and that energy took me all the way through the second class as well. I was strong, had good balance and most importantly : a good mood! I could almost smile at myself in the mirror and not feel like I was faking it. I have tried to smile at myself before in classes where I have felt and looked like shit, but that smile looked more like someone who is about to cry. Not very confident at all...
I came back to practice again the next day and there were all the expectations again...I tried not to let them in, I tried my best to just ignore them, but they jumped up and down screaming "yaay...yesterday was soo good, I bet I can do it again today...!" And of course I couldn't. I had a decent class, but no way near the double ones on Sunday. But I didn't let it get to me and as I came back again the next day, I had a great class again. And I am so glad I did. Now I know I can do it, I am confident that whatever problems I sometimes have in class, it's in my head and not in my arms or legs - it's all a matter of determination and being able to not focus, but just go with the flow...
For a while now I have had thoughts about going to the teacher training - both me and my wife have talked about it. It's pretty new to me wanting to go, but my wife who has been practicing for many years talked about teacher training about several years ago and included me in the process a year ago. I wasn't up for it then, but the more I think about it, the more appealing it seems to me.
If I could teach Bikram yoga classes, which I am starting to think I could - it wouold allow me to focus on my music as well. Instead of spending eight hours every day at a job that I don't really like and that isn't giving me a shit ( let's face it - I deliver mail and 90 % of it is commercial and bills and stuff - people don't write old school letters to one another anymore expressing their love and inner thoughts...), I could teach yoga and play music. Two things that hopefully would give both me and other people some meaning.

The big question is: how, in the name of the lord, would I ever be able to afford going to teacher training? My wife has no job and no income, so we both feed off of my lousy mailman salary - it's not considered a high status job being a mailman in Sweden...
In short - we have no money saved and to be honest we have no possibility to save any either. We are already planning on moving to the states - Austin, Texas to be more precise - and I think it would be a good thing to have a teachers exame when we go. Maybe I could take a loan, but that feels like a pretty risky thing to do in these days.
I can't just sit around waiting for life to change, I need to take control of it and be the change myself, instead. But it's hard to do when it all comes down to one thing : MONEY

I will have to think about this a lot and come up with a decision soon. In the meantime I will continue delivering crap in the daytime, and practice in the evenings.